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Whislt innocently clubbing on Saturday night I sustained a notable injury.
Comically, my injury is a direct result of my penis becoming lodged and attached for around 30 minutes in the zipperhead of my jeans fly. That is correct, one minute I was walking to the bar, the next minute I was in the toilet desperately trying to release the inch of dick skin that was now not only in the head, but embedded "There's Something about Mary" style in the teeth of the zip. I made pleas with both god, and the devil, and was eventually able to free myself after a lot of pain and suffering.
It should be said that whilst frantically working on my freedom in perhaps the most surreal moment of my existance, the advice from the movie is NOT accurate. Despite the track having already been laid, you cannot just "back it on up". This tactic proved to be a very painful phallusy!
After scalding my scrotum with boiling pasta sauce 2 weeks ago, I can only conclude I am one day destined to father the anti Christ, and god has his minions working on seeing to the destruction of my mantools.
In other news, I am now working on a new project, 101 funny stories about Matt’s Penis, I welcome any submissions or stories you may wish to contribute.
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What a horrid way to end the world cup dream!
Honestly at the start of the tournament if you were to tell me that we would make it to the last 16 i would be over the moon, but seeing the way we played all tournament with that heart and desire? My god, i was starting to dream the impossible dream!
We took a bunch of guys that lets face it, arent that good, and in every game we played so bloody good i could scarcly believe my eyes that this was the same team that lost to croatia 8 nil eight years ago!
seeing that penalty in the back of the net hurt everyone, but especially me when i accidently head butted the floor in anger.
My god, i used to hate soccer, now i find myself wishing i had played as a kid. Could it coincide with the fact that the dockers are officially sucking?
Until the dockers win a final you can call me matt miduka!Current Mood:  disappointed |
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Ahoy sailors
This website will not be updated for a while as i drag my ass through the best of europe!
See the Perthians May 30!!
email me at adonismuir@hotmail.com
cheers, Matty |
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Thankfully I am a million miles away from the media feeding circus that is the 2006 Ben Cousins scandal. I only have two ways of keeping up with whats happening, bigfooty.com, where every schmoe with an opinion loves to go online and bait eagles supporters, and all the bloody emails of a photoshopped ben cousins running from something... (ps they are getting tired and my inbox has more babyoiled cousins action than it can stomach!)
I think it is absolutely fabulous, that the WA media which has long cuddled up to Ben has FINALLY turned and seen him for the slimy turd of a character that he is, and always has been! The way that the terrestrial tv stations, the West Australian paper, and 6PR (channel eagle) defended him over the drug allegations from last year was always so stomach churning. You could see the guy was a crim (the only reason he did not get convicted for drugs was that a policeman tipped the club off, allowing cousins enough time to wash his hands), and yet he was always portrayed as being so squeaky clean, adored by the mums in Western Australia!
Finally he has come crashing back to earth!
What is absolutely hilarious is the supporters that still blindly support their (ex) captain, making statements like "when society is blameless, then we all are in position to comment". Wake up people, he was an AFL CAPTAIN. Like it or not, you are in position to be idolised, and you ARE a role model, whether Chris Judd says you should be or not! Ben is a fantastic footballer, there is no doubting that (many people have already forgotten that he JUST won the Brownlow!!) but he is a creep of a man, and its fantastic that he is now being dragged through the mud.
Those that ARE still defending him, and think that the media has gone too far, ask youselves what many of these eagles supporters would be saying if it were a certain Mr Jeffrey Farmer that had pulled this little booze bus escape. The masses would be beying for nothing else for his blood and jail time, and you all know that its true. Who remembers how much strife Peter Bell got into when he chose to confess all to a magazine rather than face the rabid West Aussie press at the perth airport that day? People were on the phone for days demanding for his resignation for being such a poor leader and captain. Oh sweet irony, how times have changed. Ill bet the eagles fans WISH they had such a contreversial captain!
Still, this is what happens when your captain is always in need of a good lawyer, compared to when your captain IS a good lawyer!
Ben Cousins, suffer in yer jocks!Current Mood:  smug |
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Last night I was lucky enough to catch a brilliant performance of Kanye West at the Hammersmith Apollo. There are no quirky stories, no amusing anecdotes to share, I just wanted to convey my admiration for this artist.
The man was absolutely unbelievable last night, I already own both of his albums but to see him live was just an amazing experience.
If you had discussed music with me one year ago I would have told you that most R and B music is made from the seventh layer of hell, i had placed it minimally above death metal on the scale of musical enjoyment - but I have been officially converted, and for this I thank (or blame?) Kanye. The way this man blends samples from older rap songs and funk classics is just amazing - last night the crowd was in awe as we listened to a Eleanor Rigby/Forgot about Dre/Sweet Dreams (beatles/dr dre/ eurythmics) medly.
To wrap things up, do give Kanye West a second chance if you have written him off as just another rap artist, but be careful, you might just find yourself falling for the devils music!Current Mood:  sore Current Music: Kanye West |
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Why is it that I cannot allow myself to leave a movie early?
Its not that im worried about losing the money i have paid for it (i get to see films for next to nothing), i think its just that sometimes I get so spellbound and captivated by just how bad something can be. I just watched Gwyneth (uggghh) Paltrow (booooo) stumble her way through "proof", a horrible pretentious cinematic abortion which was so boring i was forced to read the label of my popcorn bag. Not really, i just slept a little. The movie was trying to replicate the thought provokingness* of your Good Will Huntings, and your Dead Poets Societies. But it was just so bland, please for the love of god heed my warnings and avoid this like haemmoroids.
Which brings me to my next rant - what is with movie reviewers these days? Its like if there is any attempt to make a serious movie that has a "message", your stock standard reviewer is too scared to tell it as it is, in fear that people may think that they just didnt get it. When did we all become so pretentious that we couldnt just shoot a movie down in flames when it deserves it.
Take Brokeback Mountain. Why is this rated SOOOOOO highly by critics around the world. Was it really THAT good? Dont get me wrong here, the acting WAS excellent, Gyllenhall and Ledger were very convincing as gay cowboys, at no stage did they look uncomfortable and they completely pulled it off..... But that doesnt mean that the movie was anything more than a really, really slow paced romance. I think everyone has been blinded by the fact that two A list male heterosexual celebrities were willing to damn the consequences and kiss each other for the sake of their craft. If it were Heath Ledger and ... say, Kate Winslet in a very slow moving romance set in amazing scenery, would the movie receive the same plaudits that it has? Hell no it wouldnt, ill say it again - why is it so special?
Damnit critics, tell it how it is, dont be so damn afraid. Tonight, i lost two hours of my life and i really want it back.
If you are bored, check back on this website - i intend to be the "tell it how it is" movie critic. But theres no way i can be bothered writing a massive rant about each movie, so you will get it in 5-7-5 syllable japanese haiku form!
Proof (2005)
pretentious and bad
how is gwynwth still working
talentless she-hack!
* is provokingness a word? It really should be!
Feb. 10th, 2006 @ 11:30 pm
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| » a tip for young players |
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Today on the tube to Old Kent Road, (yes, for my touristy monopoly photo project) I spied a girl reading a giant, florescently highlighted book entitled - HOW TO THINK LIKE A GENIUS - "you dont have to be a genius to think like one"
I would have thought that a pretty good first step on the road to being as intelligent as me would be to AVOID big pretty shiny books with false promises.
The fact that she was holding it upside down wasnt a great omen for her chances either....
Feb. 7th, 2006 @ 02:59 am
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Im not sure why im humouring you clarko with this "tag" rubbish, but meh - tis a lazy night and ive nothing better to do.
4 jobs I’ve had
- woolworths freezer gimp
- Movie 4U friend of the people
- Womens Hostel Assistant Manager (ok assistant to the manager)
- Tennis Centre Admin gimp
4 DVDs I keep watching (i have edited this to include VHS as im way behind the times)
- Stewie Griffen
- White Men Cant Jump
- Coming to America
- Big Fish
4 places I’ve lived
- Karrinyup
- Shepherds Bush (UK)
- Chiswick (UK)
- West Kensington (UK)
4 TV shows I watch
- Scrubs
- Futurama
- Simpsons
- Family Guy
4 places I’ve traveled
- Amsterdam
- Paris (http://rantsomatt.livejournal.com/2005/08/03/)
- Prague
- Cardiff (http://rantsomatt.livejournal.com/6315.html)
4 websites I visit daily
- Hotmail
- BigFooty.com/forum
- NBA.com
- Bill Simmons @ ESPN.com
4 foods I love
-spicy doritos
-mr wu's dirty chinese buffet
-double quarter pounder with cheese
-chicken treat chicken wrap
4 places I’d rather be
-eurodisney
-amsterdam
-new york
-in bed?
4 bloggers I’m infecting
-things like this are boring and should die a miserable death. But i do thank clarko for linking me and hence bringing more unknown faces into read about the life of matt, the coolest non celebrity this side of, i dunno, someone cool.
Feb. 4th, 2006 @ 01:53 am
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| » Pfffft ... Artists |
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Today, while snapping the Purples on my quest to photograph every monopoly board property, I ducked into the british national gallery - one of the worlds largest and "cultured" gallerys in an attempt to warm my also purple hands. I made my way to my favourite painting (the giant horse that looks like it has been drugged and primed for a derby) and had a gander for a few moments.
What got me intriuged though, was the elderly lady and her husband(?) who were perched in front of an admittedly pretty good painting, sketching it and painstakingly recreating it to the tiniest detail. They had obviously been there for many hours, getting every angle and contrast absolutely perfect - but the question must be asked why? At the end of the day, all she is going to have is a less than perfect copy of someone elses work. If you have THAT much time, surely you would be better off finding your own corner of the world to document and have others drool over? Hell, from looking in the gift shop, I too could have "recreated" the work of my famous druggy horse, and it would have only cost me a quid!
To me thats like covering a cover song, a male singing Little Birdy's "6 months in a leaky boat". (THE worst cover song of all time - split enz would be turning in their graves - if they were dead) . If i was to stand up and recite eddie murphys delirous at a nightclub, would i receive a standing ovation? No, I would be heckled and spat at!
So why was the old lady so angry when I sneezed on her work?
Pfft Artists...
Jan. 31st, 2006 @ 02:38 am
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| » Matt's cultural observations # 76 |
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The italians really do yell MUMMA MIA when something goes against their will!
Who knew!
In other news, it snowed on me today as i was cleaning the courts in anticipation of a massive junior tournament we are hosting tomorrow. May it snow like buggery over night until i get to utter those four magnificent syllables...
can cel a shun
mooo hahahhaahaha
Jan. 27th, 2006 @ 06:47 pm
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